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Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Try Not To Hurt Yourself Tomorrow

Happy 3rd of July gang!  Well I hope everyone is looking forward to a wonderful 4th of July.  I plan to surround myself with close friends, good food, and spirits.  You know how Murphy Winston does it folks, it's not a party until ol' Murphy gets a little loose.  Now everybody knows that you're not supposed to set off any personal fireworks tomorrow, and we all know here in Kentucky that doesn't mean bullsnaps.  So lets all be safe for the 4th so no one has to run your drunk arse to the hospital tomorrow.  That's not good for anyone.  I'm going to post some simple reminders of what to do and what not to do tomorrow so everyone is safe... And mom doesn't have to explain to the children that dads in the hospital because you're not supposed to light a cigarette with a m-80.

And we're off!

Do!



 












The best part about the 4th of July is the all the food you can stuff your face with, without the feeling of being a Fatty Patti.  Grilling is not just about the delicious bloody steaks, artery clogging sausages, or even the all "American Fatty Burger" your uncle loves to make you eat.  You know the burgers I'm talking about folks. They always have onions, peppers, and some weird ingredient that is never supposed to touch a burger, like crab flavoring from a package of Top Shelf ramen.  You know the burger I'm talking about.   Now everyone, lets not get carried away with the fantastically delicious meat frenzy that is going to happen tomorrow.  Instead of only eating the various types of glorious meat, think about some veggies Tubby Lumpkins.  Put down the second chilli dog fat man and try a skewer of mixed veggies, or how about some corn, or some asparagus, or salad.    


Don't


Most of us will be partaking in the glorious tradition of getting absolutely smashed on the 4th.  I'm talking the "why can't I see anything? Oh my eyes aren't open" drunk.  But folks lets all be responsible tomorrow.  No one likes to be, or to be around that person that goes head first into the booze at noon.  Slow your role buddy.  Just because booze is available to you at noon doesn't mean you have to get wasted before the food gets thrown on the grill.  Eat plenty of food first!  Maybe have a drink before or while you are eating, but save everyone the embarrassment of you getting so smashed you think it's a good idea to let everyone know that a few years back, you thought it was a good idea to smoke crack!  Neither you or anyone else wants to hear your dark secrets, like how you've always thought Topanga from "Boy Meets World" was hot.  Dude you're in your 30s that's messed up.  So before you hit the booze, try some good ol' H2O and get some food in that belly before you decide to make everyone ashamed that they know you.

Oh, I almost forgot!  If you get too smashed this may happen to you
   

Because all your friends are jerks, and you got on everyone's nerves all day with your drunken shenanigans.  Once you pass out in the folding patio chairs...  You will get beer ralphed because you don't know how to keep it together after a few drinks.  Use your head folks!

While it's very fun doing this to an idiot that has insulted you, your girlfriend, boyfriend, family or anyone that you know for that matter.   It's not very fun dealing with the moron before it got to this.   Show a little respect for you and those around you tomorrow and drink responsibly gang.  And if you're drinking, don't drive.  And if your driving, don't drink.








Do


As the poster says gang.  Use your head when playing with explosives!  Don't be the icehole that brings the fun to an abrupt end because you thought it would be just hilarious to see how long you could hold a lit M-80 before you threw it.  Well guess what partner?  You just blew your hand off idiot, and you also destroyed a perfectly fine party atmosphere.  Good going...  You will not be coming over next year.  So please folks think before you drink and set off highly explosive fireworks.














Don't 


                                                                
Don't be this guy.  I don't think I need to explain this folks.  Just don't be this guy.



















Do


If you are like many of us, you probably will be getting smashed tomorrow.  So even though you think one or two drinks are all you're going to have, you still need to give up those keys fool.  "Johnny Po-Nine" will be everywhere tomorrow so don't take the chance of  hurting someone else, you or getting a d.u.i, it's just not worth it folks.  The roadblocks will be up so why take the chance?  So hand those keys over, call a taxi or have a designated driver with you so everyone's 4th is spent with your friends and not in the drunk tank, or worse.













Don't



Don't do this.








                                                                              








Because this may happen.  And if this doesn't happen.

















 This will.



















And when you see this guy who is having a wonderful 4th of July, he will throw you in the tank and you will be surrounded by other idiots and drunks that though it was a good idea to drink and drive.  And the next day...
















You will feel and look like this handsome fellow.   It's pretty simple folks.




















I hope every one has a fantastic 4th tomorrow.  If you forget the rules tomorrow I implore you check back to this post as a helpful reminder of what to do, and what not to do, so everybody can enjoy their 4th of July. 




Thanks for reading this friendly p.s.a from the wonderful people down here at POPS, and best wishes.


Your absent minded buddy that is the champion of all champions!











Murphy Winston










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