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Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Jeepers Creepers!

What's up gang?!  Murphy Winston here to take you on a fantastic journey of albums that happen to have covers with creepy old guys (c.o.gs) as our clothing manager Leah Short referred to them this afternoon.  Hopefully this will be a way for you ladies and gents to stay out of this dreadfully hot weather today and instead remain indoors in your comfy air-conditioned apartment, house, or place of employment, which ever you happen to occupy at the moment.  Besides on days like this nature is overrated.  Am I right folks?  Anyway lets get on with this doozy of a rant I have in store for all you individuals scouring the interwebs today in search of some mindless entertainment.  Well hopefully this will feed that beast for the time being.  Off we go!



Jerry Colonna- Jerry Colonna Entertains (At Your Party)



Holy freeholy!  If this man was to come and entertain at any party I was at I would slap the person that booked him.  It looks like he entered the room while shouting "Whatah whatah hey!" in a Jerry Lewis type of voice.  Take about a minute and really study this cover.  There are all kinds of red flags going off here!  Jerry is clearly 40 years older than the these young tikes.  To quote my buddy Mike The Red "Never trust a man with a stand alone mustache".  Mr. Colonna has a hysterical look in his eyes like he's just on the brink of snapping because these kids party's are not paying the bills and the parents that allow this creeper to perform at their child's party won't let him perform any of his blue materiel.  The track listing is even creepier.  The 1st track on the album is titled "Balling the Jack".  I'm guessing this track is either about speed balling on cocaine and redbull or something even more dark, like when his younger brother Jack went out one evening with Jerry to go and have some drinks at the local dive bar and came back with one finger missing.  True story folks look it up.  The song titled "Three Trees" is referring to funny cigarets he makes everyone try at his gigs so they don't run in absolute terror for the door once he goes into whatever it is he does.  And the creepiest track of all on this album is titled "I like! You like?".  I'm not even going to try and solve this little mystery of what he enthusiastically likes gang I'll just leave that one to you guys.  On to the next creeper!



Frank Ifield- I re-mem-ber you,



Whomever this title is directed towards I can't imagine the horror she went through that fateful night she ran in to Mr. Frank Ifield.  This man looks like he buys and sells people on a daily basis.  He almost resembles Mitt Romney, which alone is pretty creepy.  If this man came up to me in a club and softly sang in my ear "I re-mem-ber you" I would probably panic and scream as loud as I could while running for the exit.  The song titles are just plain strange people.  "She Taught Me To Yodel".  This track is probably about the unlucky lady , let's call her Norma, that this album is dedicated to.  Check the science folks this is what went down.  Norma taught him to yodel then he began to stalk her.  When she called the police to intervene he felt like such a fool that had lovesick blues.  When Norma filed a restraining order against him he would call her apartment from various payphones around the city and whisper through the phone "I remember you" repeatedly.  He didn't even care if her brother was the person to pick up the phone first!  This man is a creeper everybody.  One day Frank had that oh lonesome me feeling so he rang Norma's phone one last time and demanded that she listen to his heart then threatened to buy some radio time and let the world know just how much he loved her if she didn't give him another chance.  Norma reluctantly agreed because she knew she could not bear the embarrassment if anyone found out about the yodeling lessons she provided to him.   Norma met Frank one last time at a tiny bistro in Soho.  Small talk was exchanged between the two and before she knew it Frank was talking crazy again about how they could run off together and become the supreme yodeling team.  At that moment Norma knew something had to be done so she reached in her purse for her Saturday Night Special and shot him in the kneecaps from underneath the table.  Frank was confused and in much pain and asked Norma "Why? Why would you do this my love?" Norma simply relied "That's the way it goes bitch." and calmly got up from the table and walked out of the bistro.  Norma never heard from Frank ever again and neither has the the music industry...  I could just be making all this up though.  Next up is!



Herbie Fields- Fields in Clover



This cover just genuinely freaks me out folks.  I'm betting ol' Herbie here has mob ties and it came back to bite him.  I mean this cover looks like something you would see on a funeral program doesn't it?  His dead eyes just staring at you, following you anywhere you go with that extra creepy smile that screams "I've murdered before and I'll do it again".  This is the picture that was on his casket during the wake.  Herbie's body was never found but on the night he went missing the Guggenheim Truffle-Bucks lost game 3 of the 1959 World Series.  Coincidence?  I think not!  Maybe this is a message from the mob letting all those want to be gangster saxophonist out there know that you pay what you weigh and Herbie here pressed his luck one to many times and now he is lying somewhere in a field of clovers.  Is it me or are you guys getting the same vibe?  Whatever the cause of this cover we will never know
(unless you just google that ish), but it freaks me out!  Alright last but certainly not least!



Buck White- More Pretty Girls than One


Uhhhh, can somebody say incriminating evidence?  What I see while looking at this terrifying cover is a murderer.  I'm going to leave it at that because I don't want to offend any of you kind people out there that indulge me by reading what I pass off as entertainment.  Plus you guys can come up with your own reasons why Buck White thought this was a good concept for an album cover!

















I hope that this kept you out of the heat in your air-conditioned room wherever you may be.


Thank you for reading this tired old rant from a equally tired old madman.



Sincerely,


The whimsical one that trolls the internet so he can make people angry,



     





















Murphy Winston    

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