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Tuesday, June 19, 2012

The Magical Misery Tour

What's going on folks?!  Murphy Winston back from a long weekend of accomplishing absolutely nothing.  Let me tell you, it was just fantastic.  So far today has been a little wonky due to customers I like to think of as touched.  Lets see where should I begin?  Well I guess the beginning will do fine.  The first batch of touched individuals the gang had to deal with today were two scholarly types that were well versed in the art of f%^#ery.  One of the men resembled a hobo and his buddy was your run of the mill mouth breather. Hobo, as I will refer to this man, began spouting off some chatter about his grandmother's records he had just acquired.  I believe he mentioned some babble about an Elvis record that sells for $75.  Where did Hobo come up with this arbitrary value?  He told us he googled it.  He didn't look to Ebay or Popsike to find the value of this record...  Mr. Hobo googled it.  We explained to Hobo that most Elvis records are not worth as much as people think, and politely told Hobo that we had just procured a generous amount of records and we would have to pass, but we told him to go to other record shops around town.  At this time the Mouth Breather, as I will refer to Hobo's buddy, walked through the door with dollar signs in his eye's.  Once Hobo told Mouth Breather that we did not need or want to look at their records Mouth Breather decided it was the perfect opportunity to talk.  I'm sure he doesn't get that many chances to do.  Mouth Breather looked at me and said in a gargle of spit bubbles, and mouth sores "Well why do say you buy records and not buy records that are brought to you?". The gang could tell that Mouth Breather was not pleased.  Hobo looked a little worried, which makes me wonder who the brains of the dynamic duo really is.  I'm not going to lie folks, your man Murphy Winston lost his cool a little bit.  As I was trying to explain to Mouth Breather that we have approximately one hundred and eighty thousand records on the floor, and we just purchased a large quantity of records, Mouth Breather rudely begins making noise with his face that I assume were supposed to be words grouped together to form a sentence.  The scene looked like something straight out of National Geographic, no wait...  I'm thinking Mad Magazine.   There was Mouth Breather pounding on his chest making the most horrendous guttural sounds with his face, and there was myself, that had unfortunately decided it was a good idea to speak to Mouth Breather like he was a regular human being. Looking like an icehole I might add, trying to counteract his noise with my own obnoxious sounds.  At that point Hobo decides to speak up and say to me "You just don't get it".  I look at Leah, the Vulture and then look back at Hobo and ask him, "What are you asking?"  Hobo stated that he was wondering if the places I suggested would be worth his time.  Leah, noticing I had lost my cool a bit, thankfully interjected and told Hobo that it depended on the records he had, and that none of us work at the other stores so we couldn't speak for them in regards to if they would purchase Hobo and Mouth Breather's records.  Hobo left a little miffed but to be honest with you folks, I could care less.  As Mouth Breather left with Hobo I could hear Mouth Breather grunting in a way that is commonly associated with swine in heat.  The entire experience was just fascinating and it was a sign of the day ahead of us.

As soon as Hobo and Mouth Breather had left the another touched individual, came walking in  holding a box of records.  The Vulture called this man Captain Confused.  So that is what I will refer to him as.  Captain Confused stood there with his box of records and looked at Leah, the Vulture and myself and began to speak.  The Captain had a thick southern accent and spoke in a very slow manner.  He told us that his friend Russell, whoever that is, told him that we had purchased an enormous amount of records and that Russell said "We were not purchasing anymore anytime soon.", but Russell thought is was an ingenious idea for the Captain to come by the shop so he could sell us his marvelous collection.  The Vulture looked at the man wondering if the man had heard his own words, and let the man know that we would not be purchasing his records today due to the fact that we had just bought a ton of records.  The Captain holding a box of his records in his arms, looked very confused.  The Captain restated "My buddy Russell told me y'all just bought a lot of records, and are not buying anymore. I drove from Winchester".  I tell you folks we were taken back by the amount of dumb that seeped out of the Captain.  The Vulture looked at the Captain and began to speak to him as if he was a little kid that just lost his dog.  "Listen carefully, we are not going to be looking at records anytime soon because we just bought a gargantuan amount of records, okay buddy?", the Vulture handled the dumb the Captain was spewing out, very well.  And just like a little kid after being told his dog's not returning because the dog didn't like him very much.  The Captain walked out the door confused wondering why we didn't purchase his records.  I wonder if the Captain ever owned a dog?

The main thing to take away from these two stories, is that we bought a ton of records, like 3,000 just recently so we don't have a lot of room on the floor or in the stockroom.  Why can't a person understand us when we tell them we just purchased 3,000 records that we can't use anymore at this time?  Why?

 On to the last fantastically touched individual I will talk about.   Now this isn't by any means the last touched person I came in contact with today, but it is the last that I will mention.  Why?  Oh because this is a real special person.  This is a person that always has a different face but the same frame of mind.  What's on this person's mind you ask?  Well retiring...  Off of three Beatles records!

This rather large yuppy came through wearing a white short sleeve, popped collar shirt, a pair of knock off Raybans, khaki slacks, & loafers.  I believe he just got the top of his head shined because it was gleaming folks.  This gentleman I will refer to as F@!# Stick.  I am at the front of the shop pricing a box of records, and guess what folks?  I had just priced about ten Beatles records in a row, and was on the eleventh when  F@!# Stick walks through the door on a mission.  F@!# Stick is the type of man that just doesn't care how loud he is, he wants everyone to hear what he has to say because it's so exciting and important.  He walks up to me and shouts, as if I'm a mile away from him, "You guys buy records?"  I tell F@!# Stick that we do but it just depends on what they were.  I also went on to explain to him that we had just purchased a huge lot of records so it would be about a month till we start looking at records again.  This did not deter F@!# Stick what so ever.  "Well I got the Beatles, Yesterday, & Today, on record!" is what he yelled.   As he was screaming this in my face It just so happen that I had a copy of the same record in my hand.  I looked at it and I looked at F@!# Stick.   F@!# Stick looked at the record in my hand and then he realized what he had isn't that rare.  After unintentionally shattering F@!# Stick's dream of retiring from his Beatles record he asked me if there were any other music shops around town.  I said yes and asked F@!# Stick if he had any other records with him, because independent record stores can't afford to purchase one record at a time. We buy in bulk, because it just makes more sense, and I need to eat and pay rent.  F@!# Stick replies that he has two other Beatles records with him in his car.  Which was soaking up the heat.  "What a way to store you records F@!# Stick", I wanted to say but cooler heads prevailed.  I mean really folks.  If you have three records you believe are worth a ton of money don't take them to an independent record store!  Because chances are we (independent record stores) can't afford to give you what you think your records are worth.  If it's that drastic... Throw those guys on Ebay and keep it moving.  I love the Beatles folks but listen closely when I tell you...  They were the Beatles!  They sold millions of records!  Their albums are not rare! 

This brings a close to my long winded rant.  Thanks for reading this little tale of good old American stupid.  Have a fantastic evening everybody!

Sincerely,

             























Murphy Winston      

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